How do I deal with my Mom?

My Dad passed away six months ago. I have been put in charge of everything for my mother, am POA. She disowned my sister because she is so vindictive. My Mom has terrible osteoporosis. She had to go to a nursing home and now is in an assisted living facility. My sister and I have never felt like we had a Mom. She was very abusive, mentally and physically. She's still very rude to me. Nothing has changed. Two financial advisors have told me that I should discuss with my Mom reducing her assets because of the estate tax by doing the tax-free gifts. It is very hard talking to her about anything and especially money. My Uncle has been very supportive so I had him talk to her first about this. She had a very negative reaction to it. I have been very depressed since my Dad passed because I lost the one parent I could relate to. It is very sad that my Mom would rather have the IRS have my Dad's hard-earned money than give it to her own family. Any suggestions talking to my Mom about this?

Public Comments

1. your life pretty much sucks.
2. she sounds mean just let her be in a home sorry to say that but how can she disown her own daughter?
3. Write her a letter. That's the best way, get all your feelings out and give it to her. Let her know your the only family she has and you wont take the abuse anymore. I know she's sick but you have to be fern she sick not outta her mind. She's still has hate in her heart so write her a letter asap.
4. Just tell your mom to shut the hell up and listen if she is abusive than treat her like she did to you. She sounds like she is selfish.
5. u can talk to her that what she does to you is very wrong and if she downst listen to you u may get your uncle to talk to her otherwise take help from therapies
6. If you have the Power of Attorney, do what you think is best for your mother. If you have any doubts, talk to an attorney, NOT a financial advisor. Why are you letting your mom make the decisions if YOU have the power to do what YOU think is right? Sounds like she's already mean to you, so do what you should and forget trying to please her.
7. the only solution i can come up with is to make your uncle POA,so you don't have to deal with her and it sounds like he knows how to handle her
8. maybe there is a may of having the courts give you the rights you need. this may be done by having the courts deem her incompetent.
9. Have her evaluated to determine if she's mentally compatent to manage her affairs, if she's not then take over & manage the esstates affairs for her.
10. Sorry to hear this but from what I read I understant that your mom is very stubborn so you will never get thru her the only advise I can give you is cope with it SORRY to say but I just don't know how to help you with this one once again SORRY pray all this will pass soon PRAY.
11. I would think maybe get a professional mediator, or maybe a lawyer or paralegal to discuss with her the options. I think Milly was absolutely correct as far as writing a letter. She can't argue with a letter.
12. Can you have her declared mentally unfit and get power of attorney? Just tell your mom that there won't be enough money for her future care if she doesn't trust you to manage it for her. I'd also consider counselling for you to help deal with grief and the stress. Your mother is barely giving you time to cope with your loss. Good luck.
13. I'm so sorry about your dad sounds like he was a great man.you should get an attorney to help you with the moneys and any of the property that is due to you. good luck ......god bless
14. That sounds like a bad situation. Why don't you ask a trusted financial adviser what is best, then have that person, or someone who isn't involved with your family (like a professional, or someone who your mother respects) go with you when you talk to her. Make sure you know what you want to say to her. Maybe have some notes, and try not to be cowed by her demeanor. She shouldn't treat her daughters like that, but she is still your mother, so be the better person and treat her with respect. Honey always attracts more than vinegar.
15. i am kind of in the same situation but kind of switched around. my mom died 8 years ago. my dad is really different since she died and i have thought about running away on occasion. I wish everyday my mom didnt die.
16. Motherless,......I and my Sisters have been going through the very same thing as you have been with the same type of miserable and controlling acid tongued Mother. I almost wondered if you were one of my Sisters posting this. A POA is very limited, and your Mother could drop you from this very easily. If I were you, I'd seek and get "Guardianship" of her where you can make all the decisions and her not be able to lash out and try to circumvent your legal authority. You will have to go to a Law Firm that deals with Probate and Family Law matters, but, I think you will be able to easily demonstrate that your Mother needs a legal Guardian as a POA is a weak title and doesn't allow for much say so. It sounds like you could easily show that she cannot conduct her affairs on her own, and getting Guardianship is really the only way, and will need to be decided and directed by a Judge presiding in a Family Law Court/Probate Court. I hope this helps, but, this is really your only real choice unless you throw your hands in the air and walk away which sounds like is not an option. I wish you the best. I'm going through this now and seems parallel to what my 4 sisters and I are dealing with.
17. because of how she was she is probably scared that she wont be taken care of. assure that she will and take the steps necessary to do so. show her in writing how every thing brakes down. and hope for the best. my condolences on the loss of your father.
18. I would talk to the financial planners and get them to lay it out in very basic terms. Maybe even get one of them to come with you when you explain it to her. If I were told I could "gift" my assest while still alive and it wouldn't affect my quailty of living, I would do it so I could see the happiness it brings my loved ones. She maybe concerned that once she does this that she won't be able to afford her current standard of living and end up in some roach pit of a home. Explain it to her that way, that her husbands hard earned money is going to go to the IRS if she doesn't "gift" some of it. Ask the people who care for her if she is better in the mornings or in the afternoons (i work in aged care and some are nice & happy in the morning but come afternoon are very different people part of that is mental illness part is just aging & being tired early). I dont know how much power your POA gives but when we had one for our mum it covered all financial decisions. As for losing your dad, I lost my mum 15mths ago and it still makes my heart ache. My kids ask me if on their birthday will nanna be allowed to come down and visit. Everyone copes with death in their own way, don't ever think that "oh it's been xxx number of months I should feel this way" it's different for everyone. Just take it one day at a time.